Post by julianna sellenger on Mar 8, 2011 10:25:12 GMT -8
It was quiet. Too quiet. Not a sound came from the neighbourhood, not even a dog barking or a child crying. It would have been silent if not for the sound of the nearby ocean, with its waves crashing cleanly against the shore. The sound provided a deep, steady rhythm to accompany Julianna’s rapid heartbeat. She knew what quiet meant, and this understanding terrified her. Wringing her hands in front of her, she tried altogether too hard to not focus on what could be. She had been waiting for this day with trepidation, hands shaking at the mere thought of it, for days that had each seemed to stretch into its own lifetime. The time had passed with agonising speed, each second that ticked by making her aware that she was one step closer to seeing her cousin again. It was not a thought she felt certain that she could bear.
She had grown complacent in her safety, too lax in her method of approaching life. The tentative, fearful steps that she had known for so long, invisible cement blocks chained to the bottoms of her feet, had vanished, for a time. She had made friends and had somehow grown close enough to feel comfort in their presence, over time. She had remembered how it felt to smile, had felt the gentle grasp of another’s hand on hers where no harm was meant. That same gentle touch was found in Noah’s bright-eyed smiles and laughter as he related new schemes to her in person or over the phone. Though she knew, in the back of her mind, that it was only a matter of time before he left her, along with the others who had so abruptly placed themselves in her life at one time or another, she had grown used enough to his company to allow herself free thought, if only on occasion. She had voiced her opinions in a small voice, smiled at his antics. She had, for those few brief months, been free.
It should have been no surprise that the nightmares that plagued her at night would become reality once more. It was only a matter of time, she knew. She had known it all along, yet she had fought that knowledge. It was easier, somehow, to let herself be happy, though she knew that she could never come to deserve, or attain, true happiness. She deserved much more pain than she had been given. She should have been grateful. Instead, she was terrified.
When Raymond had called her, she had answered more out of a quiet cockiness than a true fear of him. She was in Saint-Michel, and he in Paris. There had been a distinct barrier between them, even with his occasional visits that left her feeling raw and empty inside. The thought of his hands on her skin made her flinch; the sound of his voice made her feel dirty and worthless. Yet, for some reason unknown to her, she had felt safe enough to answer, so many miles away from where she knew he was. But she had been wrong. The news that he had moved seemed so out of place in their conversation, as though she had been watching a film about tigers and a troop of hostile soldiers had come marching in from nowhere. She had been speechless as her mind attempted to process the news. And, just like that, her secure world had come tumbling down around her feet. It had been in those few moments that she realised that her well-fortified wall of protection had only been made of paper after all, rather than the stone she had imagined. There was no such thing as freedom from this pain. After all, this was precisely what she deserved.
Her confidence adequately stamped out, she had agreed to meet with him. It was better this way, despite the loud protestations of her heart within her ribcage. If she had denied him, he surely would have sought her out, and the last thing that she wished to do was upset him. Quite the opposite, she had determined even before he had ended the conversation to do everything that she could to make him happy. If Raymond had his way, it would be better. Perhaps, if she could keep him in a good mood, he might keep to his promise and let her go free after dinner. She could manage dinner, surely, if it was kept to only dinner. Perhaps they would even have a pleasant time, if she could keep him happy and he could keep his promise. She knew that it was foolish to hope, but she had nothing else to hold on to anymore.
She had dressed nicely for his benefit, doing away with her typical over-worn, casual apparel and opting for a black and cream coloured dress with cap sleeves and a flowery, lacy pattern. Accompanied by black tights and ballet flats, she had found her appearance to not be entirely hideous, though certainly lacking, as per always. Her own insecurities caused her to don a plain, black cardigan, buttoned at the top so as to hide the scooped neck of the dress. In any case, she only wished to give the appearance of effort, not give Raymond call to focus on anything but dinner.
So, here she was, a full five minutes early, She nervously tucked her neatly-parted hair behind her left ear and ducked her head to study the toes of her shoes. She was cold, even wrapped about in her coat, but could not make herself to knock, not just yet. She could see him already, in her mind’s eye, appearance immaculate as he opened the door to allow her entrance into his new home. She could imagine his smile, white teeth framed by pink lips…
She reached a hand out to steady herself against the wall just beside his front door. She felt quite ill suddenly, and was ready to turn away, calling him on her way home to insist that she was ill with the flu. No, better… tuberculosis or something equally dangerous. He would do best to keep his distance, she would tell him, for he could easily become ill as well. She was in quarantine at school. Yes, she would be fine without him. It all seemed a perfect lie, but Juli knew that she could not tell it to him. He would see through her in a second, and she would only have more to suffer later. Fighting back the nausea that was steadily swirling in the pit of her stomach, she straightened and faced the door with squared shoulders. She could do this. She would do this. She would do anything he asked without complaining. There was no other option.
So, without allowing herself time to think it through enough to hesitate once more, Julianna raised her forefinger and pressed the bell. Dropping her gaze to her shoes once more, she pulled her arms more tightly around herself, as if to hold the precariously placed pieces of her soul together, and waited.
||If this is in the wrong board, just let me know and I will move it. I hope the sucktasticness of this post doesn't make it too hard to reply.||
She had grown complacent in her safety, too lax in her method of approaching life. The tentative, fearful steps that she had known for so long, invisible cement blocks chained to the bottoms of her feet, had vanished, for a time. She had made friends and had somehow grown close enough to feel comfort in their presence, over time. She had remembered how it felt to smile, had felt the gentle grasp of another’s hand on hers where no harm was meant. That same gentle touch was found in Noah’s bright-eyed smiles and laughter as he related new schemes to her in person or over the phone. Though she knew, in the back of her mind, that it was only a matter of time before he left her, along with the others who had so abruptly placed themselves in her life at one time or another, she had grown used enough to his company to allow herself free thought, if only on occasion. She had voiced her opinions in a small voice, smiled at his antics. She had, for those few brief months, been free.
It should have been no surprise that the nightmares that plagued her at night would become reality once more. It was only a matter of time, she knew. She had known it all along, yet she had fought that knowledge. It was easier, somehow, to let herself be happy, though she knew that she could never come to deserve, or attain, true happiness. She deserved much more pain than she had been given. She should have been grateful. Instead, she was terrified.
When Raymond had called her, she had answered more out of a quiet cockiness than a true fear of him. She was in Saint-Michel, and he in Paris. There had been a distinct barrier between them, even with his occasional visits that left her feeling raw and empty inside. The thought of his hands on her skin made her flinch; the sound of his voice made her feel dirty and worthless. Yet, for some reason unknown to her, she had felt safe enough to answer, so many miles away from where she knew he was. But she had been wrong. The news that he had moved seemed so out of place in their conversation, as though she had been watching a film about tigers and a troop of hostile soldiers had come marching in from nowhere. She had been speechless as her mind attempted to process the news. And, just like that, her secure world had come tumbling down around her feet. It had been in those few moments that she realised that her well-fortified wall of protection had only been made of paper after all, rather than the stone she had imagined. There was no such thing as freedom from this pain. After all, this was precisely what she deserved.
Her confidence adequately stamped out, she had agreed to meet with him. It was better this way, despite the loud protestations of her heart within her ribcage. If she had denied him, he surely would have sought her out, and the last thing that she wished to do was upset him. Quite the opposite, she had determined even before he had ended the conversation to do everything that she could to make him happy. If Raymond had his way, it would be better. Perhaps, if she could keep him in a good mood, he might keep to his promise and let her go free after dinner. She could manage dinner, surely, if it was kept to only dinner. Perhaps they would even have a pleasant time, if she could keep him happy and he could keep his promise. She knew that it was foolish to hope, but she had nothing else to hold on to anymore.
She had dressed nicely for his benefit, doing away with her typical over-worn, casual apparel and opting for a black and cream coloured dress with cap sleeves and a flowery, lacy pattern. Accompanied by black tights and ballet flats, she had found her appearance to not be entirely hideous, though certainly lacking, as per always. Her own insecurities caused her to don a plain, black cardigan, buttoned at the top so as to hide the scooped neck of the dress. In any case, she only wished to give the appearance of effort, not give Raymond call to focus on anything but dinner.
So, here she was, a full five minutes early, She nervously tucked her neatly-parted hair behind her left ear and ducked her head to study the toes of her shoes. She was cold, even wrapped about in her coat, but could not make herself to knock, not just yet. She could see him already, in her mind’s eye, appearance immaculate as he opened the door to allow her entrance into his new home. She could imagine his smile, white teeth framed by pink lips…
She reached a hand out to steady herself against the wall just beside his front door. She felt quite ill suddenly, and was ready to turn away, calling him on her way home to insist that she was ill with the flu. No, better… tuberculosis or something equally dangerous. He would do best to keep his distance, she would tell him, for he could easily become ill as well. She was in quarantine at school. Yes, she would be fine without him. It all seemed a perfect lie, but Juli knew that she could not tell it to him. He would see through her in a second, and she would only have more to suffer later. Fighting back the nausea that was steadily swirling in the pit of her stomach, she straightened and faced the door with squared shoulders. She could do this. She would do this. She would do anything he asked without complaining. There was no other option.
So, without allowing herself time to think it through enough to hesitate once more, Julianna raised her forefinger and pressed the bell. Dropping her gaze to her shoes once more, she pulled her arms more tightly around herself, as if to hold the precariously placed pieces of her soul together, and waited.
||If this is in the wrong board, just let me know and I will move it. I hope the sucktasticness of this post doesn't make it too hard to reply.||
